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"A new ball!"
Commentator Peter Alliss (of Tiger Woods' lost ball after his drive on the 1st hole of the 2003 Open Championship - Tiger made 7 on the hole)
“Alas...Smith and Jones”
Welcome to the annals of ”Desperate” Denis Smith & “Luckless" Len Jones - the two most unsuccessful duffers in the history of the Game of Golf. And in all the tournaments they played, they never beat anyone. Except themselves! This made our two latter-day Hogans very popular - with everyone. Everyone, that is, except for the golf buffs and efficionados. They sought an audience with the Golf Guru who agreed to give them respectability, but first they had to prove they could be proper golfers. All they had to do was stay out of trouble on and off the golf course for a year and the Guru would give them success. But in the meantime they would still be Rabbits, because only the three of them would know about it. It would be their little secret.
Episode Twenty-Eight
Back to the Grind
After an interminable break to allow our two heroes time to regain their health and match fitness we are now able to continue following their exploits in search of golfing recognition. For Luckless in particular it has been a tough time and his handicap has soared since his illness to a bobtailed, pencil-crunching, carrot-munching rabbit level.
All of this has been noted by a sympathetic Guru but a deal is a deal. Stay clear of golfing controversy for a year and recognition will be yours.
Thankfully, the two can now turn their attention to more important matters, such as the upcoming matchplay challenge between POGS (Pattaya's Oldest Golf Society) and Paweena's Pretenders from Jomtien. Such matches are always tense affairs.
Memories came flooding back for Luckless when the event was first mooted. He recalled a similar challenge he faced as a youth in the north of England . The Warkworth Warriors were facing their annual challenge match against the beastly MacGregor clan from their ridiculous Lang Tay Club, north of the border.
They have only one hole, a par 72 that stretches for 4½ bleak, windswept miles along a 20-yard wide strip of coastline along the Firth of Tay. The only hazards are the ocean on the right and three distilleries on the left, the last of which no visitor has ever negotiated safely, or soberly.
In fact, it claimed the life of the Warrior's awesome left-hander, Sir Basil Strangely-Smallpiece during a previous round in 1959. Whilst trying to play a delicate niblick off the top of one of the vats, he slipped, fell in, and drowned in single malt.
A verdict of accidental death would have meant a halved match, but the Scottish coroner (a MacGregor, no less) returned a preposterous verdict of suicide simply because Sir Basil had the decency to get out twice to go to the toilet. That defeat still rankles with the Warriors.
Then again there was a more recent occasion in Pattaya when the PGS picked up a similar gauntlet thrown down by Cheers Bar and the day, and the highly enjoyable series, ended with the truculent Cheers captain having a bowl of beef stew deposited on his head by the late lamented Private Preddy. Such tales have become legends.
We'll get it right this time…won't we?
”I sure wish the Guru'd let a few more people in on our secret!”
(Luckless Len , OK Corral, 26th August, 2006)
