The Bunker Boys

Welcome to the virtual clubhouse of the Pattaya Golf Society - the Bunker Boys - based at the OK Corral Bar, Soi Rungland, South Pattaya

"Golf is not, and never has been, a fair game. "

Jack Nicklaus

Golf has been considered a strange pastime, by players and non-players alike, ever since its birth in Scotland half a millennium ago. Since it became a worldwide obsession in the early years of last century, events that have taken place in the name of golf have moved from the strange to the bizarre.

Introducing the voice of the strangest and most bizarre - Norman "The Famous Grouse" Whinge, the hero of the forgotten players of the noble game, those without a voice, those without real hope, those without influence, golf's "no-hopers", life's losers. This week the Grouse has a go about fuddy-duddies, rules and honesty in golf.

There was this guy who went to the optician's. "I'm having trouble seeing a long way, Doctor" he announced. The optician led him outside and pointed to the sun, "What's that up there?" he asked the customer. "The Sun of course", was the reply. "Well" replied the optician, "it's 93 million miles away. How far do you want to see?"

Then, of course, the R and A in it's wisdom, comes up with the wacky idea of banning equipment which can actually help to gauge distance on the golf course. You know, you've got a bag full of expensive conforming clubs with you but you don't know whether to use your five or six iron in the current conditions. You don't have the luxury of a knowledgeable caddy with yardage charts and the sun is quite low in autumnal Europe making sighting the target a little difficult. You know how far you can usually hit your clubs, but what one will do the trick today. "Ah, what about these new measuring thingees?"

In its triennial review of the "Rules of Golf" Rule 14:3 states that "the player must not use any artificial device or unusual equipment, or use any equipment in an unusual manner:

a. That might assist him in making a stroke or in his play; or

b. For the purpose of gauging or measuring distance or conditions that might affect his play"

Tell you what lads, buy one of those newfangled measuring "thingees", go out on to the course and play a private round, measure the distances and gradients from the marker posts and make a note of them. Use your notes when you play a subsequent competition round and tell the bloody committee you have paced out the course many times. Yardage charts are legal after all. If that's not acceptable insert your new viewer into the part of the tournament organiser's anatomy where you can clearly measure the distance from his anus to his eyeballs. Allowing for the wind, of course.

"Listen up you lot! Us golfers are not like the rest of them out there, with some good and some bad. Us golfers are all honest, ain't we? We have to exercise self control on and off the course. How about these two chaps.

And here's a third.

I ask you, who's better at running the world? Clinton or Woosie? And regarding "honesty" Bill's certainly no stranger to tweaking sweet spots and playing with hot balls. Just ask Monica.

The date on my copy "Oyster" watch shows 2008 and now we have to put up with the whisky fumed ramblings of those fuddy-duddies who govern our game, the R and A, "Randa" for short. Those who said in 1933, four years after they were introduced in America, that we could use steel shafted clubs. Those who insist on "proper" clothes being worn, with collars on shirts, and allow Tiger to play in a long sleeved vest. Those who decreed that women could wear trousers on the golf course but insisted that they must remove them on entering the clubhouse. Those who allowed clubs to be used in Europe which had been declared illegal in USA. Those who still ban ladies from the clubhouse and membership at Augusta and St. Andrew's. Those in 1990, who after 38 years, adopted the 1.68 inch diameter ball, and for the first time since 1910 The Rules of Golf were standardized throughout the world. I can hear the sound of forelocks being touched worldwide.

Now these guys are the ones who say your club is illegal if it's a copy of one on the "non conforming" list. The "conforming" list, by the way, is one made up of the manufacturers who kowtow to the luddites of golf, those who don't want the game to go into the twenty-first century. You can easily spot them at clubmakers conventions, they're the ones with the brown noses and tongues. They don't want technology to progress as it has in squash, tennis, snooker, athletics and many other popular sports. They think it will give some golfers a significant advantage over their opponents. Gawd above, I still can remember when listing a prominent golf club member as a referee on a job CV certainly gave you a significant advantage over other candidates. Forgive me for thinking that an endorsement from a Randa member still gives you a seat in the boardroom.

Take me back to the old days, plus-fours, ladies only on Wednesdays, hickory shafts, the feathery ball, smooth faced irons, and a gallon of claret for the winner. That's where we're heading.

But maybe, just maybe, they can let the world move on and let us duffers dream of emulating the golf gods just once before we tread the fairways of the sky, by hitting the 300 yard drive, the approach which stops and turns back sharply, the delicately executed putt and the smile of genuine satisfaction which will follow.

Come on Randa, get real!